PTSD -Papa Traumatic Stress Disorder
One of the greatest perks of being an olde………ahem, more distinguished and experienced, gentleman is that I am now not only capable, but qualified to offer advice to younger fathers out there especially the first time fathers. Having been one a long time ago and still intimately familiar with that fellow I can understand the role all too well. I empathize and sympathize. However, the sum of this post can best be summed up in one key phrase.
They’ll be ok.
Setting aside major illnesses and accidents (which do happen but are far from the norm), kids are pretty resilient creatures, and they have to be by design. This won’t matter to you, young father, nor will you consider it when she/he has his first high fever and your wife is on WebMd trying to ascertain whether or not is possible your child contracted Dengue Fever (unlikely unless your child safaris). This won’t matter, because inside you will be terrified as well but trying desperately not to show it.
Mono was my first foe. My eldest caught it and was sent to the hospital and despite all my protestations to heaven to give it to me, not her, and despite the best care, she had to endure it and come out the other side, high fevers, shots, doctors poking and prodding and whatnot. Those cries and screams send shivers up my spine to this day. In retrospect, with an immune system custom built for a new life on planet earth, and though it was frightening at times, she came through and with a speed I can only envy at this point. One day sick, next day playing. Such is the arc of a sick child’s life.
There were illnesses and falls, scrapes and cuts. There’ve been baseballs to faces and tumbles down stairs. Each conspired in the moment to rip sanity from my world and instill fear and the worst kinds of thoughts in my head. You’ll have the same experiences. And again, I urge you to remember this one thing.
They’ll be ok.
That’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel. And it's not to say this advice will remedy everything you feel. With the newest one it was jaundice and though it is a common occurrence in babies, it didn’t help. It certainly didn’t help when they wheeled her away from us in her little incubator, swaddled up to prevent movement. It didn’t help when they covered her eyes with a tiny mask to keep the light out. It didn’t stop the terror creeping into my head at odd times and yanking the rope on that little bell in my head that signals the worst kind of alarm.
It didn’t stop me from acting completely okay and supporting my wife and acting like it was allllll under control and taking a moment to walk into a hospital bathroom and sob quietly for a few moments and plead with the universe to bring her back to us ok. Because, although they will most always be ok, many times you won’t. My coping mechanism is nonchalance and humor and that’s how I push that fear back and hold back that tide until I can release it in my own way. Whether it’s healthy or not is I expect arguable depending on the therapist being asked, but it works for me. I can say that even writing this, that visceral fear is near even recollecting some of the events. I can feel that same mix of emotions I felt a couple decades ago and just a few months ago. Just like that I am back in those moments and I find myself watching her out of the corner of my eye. Just a tad more vigilant and a bit more suspect of how close to the stairs she is.
You’re allowed to feel those things, terror, fear, anger, anxiety and sadness, and it no way construes weakness or frailty to show those emotions. And it don’t be surprised that the scars you carry from it will far outlast the ones carried by the child. Also, be advised, they will be deeper and a constant reminder of those tenuous moments when your fears came to perch on your chest and pull the breath from your lungs. They’ll revisit with each fever and cough, each fall and stumble and all those memories of ‘the last time’ will come rushing back. You’ll find yourself, physically or virtually, feeling that scar and becoming reacquainted with those same fears and anxieties that you thought left long ago. It is a type of Fatherhood PTSD, and every cough, every choke when they’re eating, every scream from a fall will send you into that fight or flight mode. Just remember.
They’ll be ok.
Fatherhood is tough, and doesn’t get the recognition that it deserves sometimes, (quiet mothers, you don’t either, but I can only speak for men here). That’s just a post for a different time. Suffice it to say that, in many cases, men are ill prepared emotionally for all that comes with a newborn child, especially in our culture.
We’re allowed to feel that fear. We’re allowed to hurt for our children just as much as their mothers are and to voice that concern as we are able. And you, like me, are allowed to act like you’re cool, calm and collected and supportive and be a complete wreck inside. You’ll fall apart a thousand times over that little one. You’ll lose sleep, and tears and sanity and much more than you anticipated. It’s alright to hold them when they’re ill or after that fall and soothe them and quietly bargain with whatever God you worship to take it from them and give it to you. It’s ok to be that strength for them and your family and slip off for a few moments to go sit in that room and sob quietly and let it go.
Because dad, you’ll fall a thousand times, you’ll fail too. You’ll mess up. You’ll struggle with these feelings and these fears and uncertainties. You’ll question your sanity a hundred times before you’re through with all this. And although you try to keep that guard up for the duration of their childhood, you can’t. They’ll get hurt and they’ll get sick and they’ll suffer at times that will set off feelings in you that you are in no way equipped to deal with. You’ll worry yourself sick and stay up nights watching their tiny chests rise and fall. You’ll have those moments when your heart jumps at the tiniest of aberrations in their behavior. This is as new for you as it is for them. But for a final time, I’ll remind you.
They’ll be ok.
And Dad, you will be too.
