The Angel of Armageddon
Of practical concern is the ‘baby-proofing’ of a home. This entails modifying your dwelling in such a way that a baby/toddler cannot injure themselves or come into contact with harmful substances.
“Elementary stuff!?” you say.
Alas, it goes much deeper than that, and this is why you come here, for the everday, practical insights into child rearing with a nod towards those older years, right? Keep reading, I’m about to fill you in, reader.
There is no such thing.
That’s right, you heard me. You cannot ‘baby-proof’ a home. Of course you can put on cabinet locks, gates, plug covers and the like and of course you should take steps, whatever steps you can, in order to protect your new child from harm. It is our instinct to do so and our obligation to that child that we protect them at all costs.
This, in no way, shape or form, protects YOU or YOUR property. Children can destroy anything. Any. Thing.
How does this relate to me being an older father? I’m glad you asked. As we age, we (statistically) get wealthier, this in turn leads us to getting nicer (subjectively) stuff around the house that is more expensive (naturally) and in many cases, more difficult to replace.
For the conspiracy theorists around us, I suggest some research into how a child, placed in a room with stuffed animals, building blocks, toys numbering in the thousands and blankets, can instantly focus on the most expensive and important item in a room that isn’t theirs. While you’re researching flat earth and faked moon landings, the real mysteries are before our very eyes.
Take for instance, my daughter, who in the aforementioned room will immediately locate my phone/laptop and make a beeline for it. I live in mortal fear of leaving my laptop open because her method of typing is best described as a gorilla smashing coconuts with large rocks while in a fit of rage. The phone, though better equipped for her assault, is not immune either.
She has, in turn:
Rendered it unable to charge due to saliva in the charging port
Locked me out of it for 2 hours because, despite her still developing fine motor skills, she manages to type random numbers easily.
Somehow defeated my facial recognition software (wtf?) Let me reiterate. She locked me OUT of my phone, yet somehow has allowed herself IN.
Sent texts pictures of herself to my business contacts.
She has destroyed a TV remote that was waterproof and withstood two dogs (that story later). She changed the settings on the TV to things I can’t even locate. Now she’s moving furniture, in attempts I can only suspect, to start targeting the human occupants. This targeting also happened with my oldest who subsequently broke my nose.
Let me remind you, she’s just 1. This is the highest level of DEFCON, though to be fair, lowest level on the Fujita scale of tornadic activity. Which only amplifies the fact that I don’t know yet whether this behavior will increase or decrease.
So, in the interest of providing at least some practical advice I offer the following. Cabinets, locks, doors and gates, plugs, those are the very tip of the iceberg. If, indeed, you’re interested in retaining all your valuables and preventing any accidents at all, you must sell everything or at the very least, store it off site. This in no way protects your physical property but will mitigate damages to things covered under your homeowner’s policy.
And, my, dear federal government, if you’re listening, and you are (see above:conspiracy theorists), weapons testing need not cost millions of dollars. It can be done in a matter of minutes with the sole cost a box of Nilla Wafers. Put my child in the latest version of an M1A2 Abrams tank and she will discover it’s weakness and with nothing more than tiny fingernails, saliva and eight teeth. If you leave her alone for more than ten minutes, you’ll find it completely disassembled and useless.
On the plus side, this signals her intelligence and willingness to undertake life’s challenges. Simple blocks and stuffed animals? Those are for the dogs to destroy! Give me a something CHALLENGING!!! I’m a positive thoughts guy.
